It was an Optimus CRIME

Do you like the post's title? No? I know, I know. Bad joke. But you know what? People apparently like bad jokes, such as the ones that permeated this crapfest. While it had some very, very, very few good moments, the majority of Transformers 2 was a mess.

SPOILER ALERT!

Let me start with what worked for me, so I won't sound like a hater:

• ILM sure can deliver giant robots. Too bad Bay's shaky cam won't let you appreciate the scenery.
  
• I love, love, loved everything about the forest battle. If this scene was longer and had less shaky cam (or if there were more scenes like this without the military involved), this alone would've been worth the price of admission.
  
• Megatron berating Starscream, and Starscream groveling at Megatron's feet, just as it always has been.
• Rainn Wilson was a pleasant surprise.
  
• I did snicker at a joke about a tight shirt, and taser jokes, even though these are clearly Michael Bay brand jokes.
• Slow motion close ups of Megan Fox's chest while she runs.
  

Okay, now onto what sucked Devastator's balls:

• Bathroom humor. Farts, thongs, humping robots, and Devastator's testicles have no place in what's supposed be an epic sci-fi adventure.
• Bay simply cannot direct character moments.
  
• Bay's overuse of shaky cam, backlit sunset scenes, and cameras rotating 360 degrees around a subject. Not to mention the pornographic shots of cars, the military, and explosions.
  
• Ghetto bots. Jazz was cool in the first one, but they killed him off. In this movie they're Wheelie, Skids, and Mudflap, who serve as Jar Jar Binks times three. BTW, Skids has gold teeth, so you know he's down.
• Megatron acting like such a tool to his boss, The Fallen. WTF is that? Megatron belongs to nobody! (As he passionately declares in the following clip:)
  
  
• Soundwave, one of the holy trinity of Decepticons, was only a background character.
  
• Devastator in this movie is not formed by the 6 Constructicons. He's formed by construction vehicles that don't turn into robots. WTF? The Devastator is supposed to be formed by Constructicons who can also transform into robots. That's what made him so special.
  
• Like in the first one, the humans seemed to be more effective against the Decepticons than the Autobots were.
  
• Plot holes. One example: if the Matrix isn't found, it's earned, then why was The Fallen able to retrieve it so easily?

I hate that I gave money to this on the first day, just because it's called Transformers. I'm like a mindless sheep. I still yearn for a good live-action giant-robot movie that stars Optimus Prime...